In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
