Pappa wants mamma naked
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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