she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize