you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
