I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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