I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
