I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
