you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
