3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
