I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
