I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
