Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
