Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
