Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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