So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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