Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
