she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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