Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
