This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I want a musical about memes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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