I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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