Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
