Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
