remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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