so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
