he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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