That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
