Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm at about main and main street
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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