she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
