i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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