Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize