I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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