Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
