I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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