Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
