I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
