Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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