I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
