This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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