Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
