I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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