I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize