Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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