Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
