all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
last night I used snow as a chaser
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
