Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
