I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
