Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
