My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize