Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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