i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
