Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
