Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
