Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
