In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
