When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I need to sanitize my soul.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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