i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I love having hate sex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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