I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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