Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
