Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize