he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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